“Oh my god, your tits are so small”
“You’re not pretty enough”
“You’ve got a very spotty face. You’ll need to sort that out if you want a man”
“You need to make more effort with your hair”
“You’ve made yourself ugly with that hair colour”
“Ooh you’ve put on weight. Look at your gut hanging over your waistband”.
“Oh my god you’ve got so skinny - I’m going to call you Annie (for anorexic)”
“You need to make-up your eyes more”
“You look like a lady of the night dressed like that”
“Men like sex, don’t keep him dangling too long”
“Wear a short skirt, you’ll get a better mark”
“What do you expect? You make them feel rejected. Just smile at them next time, you look much lovelier when you smile and they’ll be nicer to you”.
All of the above were said to me by other women. It’s not “just” men.
When social media was flooded this weekend with messages about all men needing to sort themselves out when it comes to their treatment of women, I found myself passionately jumping to defend men. This surprised me as I normally remain balanced in these divisive issues and can see that there is a bigger picture. I slowly realised this was a ‘knee-jerk’ reaction on my part, something had been triggered. After many conversations with people of all different views, I did lots of inner exploration about why I was reacting so strongly and so contrary to the popular reaction and I realised that my initial view of "it's not all men" had morphed into something else. I decided to write this piece explaining my perspective (more to myself, than to anyone else).
I have encountered appalling treatment from men, but some of the worst misogyny I have encountered has actually come from other women. The comments above are related more to self-esteem damage than sexual violence, but this misogyny from other females weakens us and this feeds into the way some men view us, along with the portrayal of women in magazines, on the TV, in films and in the music industry, which all of us women have consumed and supported, as well as men. This is certainly not to excuse men, but I have figured out it is what got me so angry with other women at the weekend, why I was saying “It’s not all men” and why I was angry with myself - I too am guilty of tearing down other women in the past. None of us is perfect, we are all human. So I am now saying "It's not JUST men".
Please bear with me, this is not an anti-feminist write or a piece resenting women. I am certainly not blaming women either - it was my choice to let these comments get under my skin and it was a small number of people. I am a woman and I love my fellow women. I have wonderful women in my life. We do have it tough. I consider myself a feminist and like to think that I walk that talk with the way I live, running my own business and living on my own enjoying life confidently after choosing to walk away from relationships that were not right for me. I am lucky to say that most of my actual relationships (except one) have been abuse-free. I love being flirted with but I do call out clearly if my boundaries are being crossed. I expect men to do the same. I have no ‘need’ for a relationship with a man and I can do everything I want to do in life (and am doing so) without a man, thank you very much. Not that I wouldn’t like a relationship, of course! I do love men, and neither hate nor fear them for that is not feminism, that is disempowering. I can also laugh at myself and us women, and acknowledge that we are in fact weaker in some areas than men. I love the “The feminism leaving my body when…” memes. I am able to laugh at myself.
This is also not about the men I have witnessed being savagely attacked and torn down by women, emotionally and physically, who have had their lives negatively impacted by women and battled suicidal thoughts as a result. There are too many of these, sadly.
It is not about all the men who have been attacked or harassed by other men, and who are also afraid to go out alone at night.
What I want to say and what I couldn’t find the words for until now is that we are all hurt and we are all doing the hurting, often unintentionally.
Men are certainly not faultless…far, far from it. I have been on the receiving end of awful treatment from men, as have all women I know. I have been a sobbing, fearful, self-loathing mess on many an occasion as a result of mistreatment from some men. I won’t share the ‘big’ stuff for now as I don’t want this blog to go on forever. I’ll stick with the ‘normal’ and ‘small’ things. ‘Normal’ because they were such common occurrences that nobody really questioned it.
I’ll start with my particular favourite, that knot of anxiety in my stomach when walking into a club or pub with female friends and each of us receiving our score out of ten from an ogling group of men, or being told individually as we filed past what our best and worst assets are (“nice legs love, you just need bigger tits”). However among this group of men, there was often a male friend calling them out and saying ‘Don’t be a twat mate, don’t say that” (though if I am really pedantic I could argue that this is derogatory misogynistic language, using a sacred female body part as an insult, but one of my favourite insults is ‘he/she’s a dick’ so I won’t be a hypocrite. Also life is complicated enough for everyone at the moment). I even had men come up and apologise for their friends’ behaviour. There was also a majority of men just minding their own business and getting on with their night out without upsetting anyone.
Another fun one was being groped on the dance floor or grinded up against (delightful). When asking them to stop I was then often told “You’re ugly anyway” or, completely nonsensically “Well you’re a slag anyway” (clearly not - I am pushing you away). Then well-meaning female friends saying “Karen, don’t be upset, it’s just because you made him feel rejected”.
Then there were the comments received when just walking down the street at night.
“Ho ho ho, I’m Father Christmas and I want to empty my sack down your throat” is one that sticks in my memory.
“If my dog were as ugly as you, I would shave it’s arse and teach it walk backwards”. Don’t know what I did to provoke that particular outburst of hatred.
Man: “Can I have a chip love?”
Me (eating chips): “No”
Man: “You’re ugly anyway”
Surrounding females: Silence. Probably not because they hated me, but because they didn't want that treatment for themselves or they had had it themselves and it was considered the norm.
That treatment from men hit hard when my self-esteem had already been dented by the derogatory comments from other women, and I took on the belief that I had invited that treatment because there was something wrong with the way I looked and acted, so I didn't feel empowered enough to stick up for myself properly. This enabled these men's behaviour to continue towards other women.
I am talking way back in the 90’s and 00’s when I used to go out to pubs and clubs regularly, but from speaking with younger women, this stuff still goes on now. I am in my forties now but I am still having some very ‘interesting’ experiences with men, including receiving an unwelcome naked picture recently. However I am also meeting some lovely, respectful men.
Even at work in my little Saturday job I wasn’t safe from harassment. At the tender age of sixteen, my boss (in his sixties) cornered me in the back room and asked me to show him what ‘outfit’ I was wearing under my overall and commented on how nice my legs and naval were, and how cute the slogan on my T Shirt was (so staring at my breasts for quite a while). I didn’t walk out at that point though. I questioned myself. I’d always been told I was ‘too sensitive’ so I figured that knot of anxiety and shame I felt was just me overreacting. Later that day when I couldn’t find something for a customer he grabbed me by the arm and dragged me across to where said item was, saying “Try looking you stupid girl”, in front of the queue of customers. Nobody said anything to defend me, neither the women nor the men in the queue. Neither did I. I kept quiet until all the customers had gone, so as not to embarrass him (!). When the shop was empty I told him “You can stick your fucking job”. I was later criticised by a female I informed, for walking out of a job because that is not the done thing or the right procedure.
So yes, actually men you do need to look within. You do need to look at the way you behave towards women and why this is. Can any of you honestly say you have never mistreated a woman? Or that you have always spoken up when witnessing a man mistreating a woman? Honestly? But women, we also need to look at how we have treated each other, and the messages we have given each other without realising. I am not innocent - I too have torn down other women or not stuck up for them.
I found myself getting angry with women this weekend for their “feminist knee-jerk reaction”, I posted about how we have all forgotten about men’s mental health now, I used phrases such as “toxic gender wars” and “man bashing” in my private messages to friends. I had many thank you messages from my male friends for sticking up for them in an issue where I felt they were defenceless. But something in me didn’t feel right. I am normally quite calm and placid, trying to see the bigger picture when it comes to divisive issues and not getting sucked into the social media ‘platform’ that we all like to jump on now. Yet I felt very fired-up and surprised by my reaction and my insistence on sticking up for men, especially given my bad experiences with them, the ones mentioned above just being the tip of the iceberg. I have realised now that I am harbouring resentment from misogyny on all sides.
I know a man who has mistreated women terribly, by his own admittance. He was mistreated terribly by his mother as a small child. That’s not an excuse, but it’s a vicious cycle. So yes, men need to look into past traumas and check themselves, to prevent the ‘small’ incidents becoming large ones. But so do women.
It was often the decent men in my life who mopped up my tears after male mistreatment. It was the decent men in my life who reminded me who I was, how strong I was, what I have to give to the world. Their love, kindness and compassion got me through, as well as the lovely females close to me.
It was actually a discussion with a man who had been publicly denouncing the mistreatment of women who made me question why I was leaping to the defence of men, when I myself had been on the receiving end of male harassment and abuse. So no, you men are not all inherently bad and I realise now that is not what most people are saying.
Hurt people hurt people. So all of us, whichever gender, need to look at ourselves.
